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How To Discipline A Sister In A Sex Tape

Kolapo stifled a yawn once again, wiped his eyes, glanced at the wall clock, and raised his hand to ask a question after Pastor Onyeachonam had spoken to the attentive gathering for almost an hour about God’s soon-coming wrath on those who allow their sexuality to go beyond the bounds of his holy commands.

Kolapo had not been inside a church for over a year until this service. The last church service he had attended was a friend’s wedding on a Saturday and he had missed the sermon on that day because he had a terrible hangover from the bachelor party and came late. He wouldn’t be here if not for his ex-girlfriend’s invitation and her convincing promise that it would be worth his while.

 “Yes sir.” The pastor nodded at the young man in black shirt and blue jeans. An usher hurried to the man and handed him a microphone.

 “My name is Kolapo. Sir, that woman caught right in the act of adultery in the bible, that woman brought to Jesus to be condemned, could we not say she is a modern-day example of a woman in a sex video?”

 “Well,” Pastor Onyeachonam shrugged. “We can’t really say that every modern-day thing, person or event has a biblical equivalent.”

 “Then why should we believe that the bible is relevant to our times?”

 “We should believe because the bible is about eternal principles. The stories may not be exactly like our story; but they are stories about God and human beings, the perfect ways of God and human imperfections. In fact, the bible is the only book entirely inspired by the Holy Spirit. Now, God does not change, and human beings have not changed in their core composition and acts and dispositions. That is what makes the bible relevant to our times. But if we focus too much on the events or stories, if we are looking for modern day equivalents, we would miss a lot of things. After all you are not a king like Saul, but you can learn a lot from his fall. Is that all you intend to ask?”

 “No. I’m still getting to that. Pastor, Jesus asked that woman to go and sin no more. So what is this talk about church discipline? Are you greater than Jesus?”

A murmur swept through the gathering, some found it funny and chuckled. Kolapo held the mic near his mouth, ready for more words. The minister said praise the Lord to get their attention back and got a hallelujah.

 “Your question seems rhetorical to me.”

 “It is worth asking. Yes it is. With all these things you have been saying about discipline for sexual sins as if you are some schoolteacher with a whip for errant pupils. Jesus didn’t do that.”

 “Look, brother Kolapo, the time of Jesus’ earthly ministry was in-between dispensations. This was a time when the Law of Moses was about to give way to the grace of God, so neither of the two dispensations was really operational. If you look at the way the church worked after the ascension of Jesus, which is our pattern for this age, you would see ways of discipline that does not condone recklessness.”

 “So what would you do if a sister in this church is in a sex video?”

Pastor Onyeachonam snorted incredulously. “A sister in this church?”


 “Well, it depends on when the video was made. If it was made before she became born again, the bible says old things have passed away. But if it was made after her profession of faith, then discipline is inevitable.”

 “Discipline just for a mistake? Everyone makes mistakes.”

Pastor Onyeachonam walked to the pulpit and leaned on it. “Sex doesn’t ever happen by mistake. Except in cases of rape two people cannot just meet and have sex without some sort of preparation. They must have been having some flirty conversation no matter how subtle, whether one on one, via phone calls or via the chat apps; something must have been happening in the mind and attitude of one or both. Now a child of God would know during the time of such inappropriate relations that every step towards that direction is a sin. A Christian in such a situation may choose to ignore the word of God and the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Sex is not a mistake like a glass cup slipping from your hand and crashing on the floor. That is why discipline is inevitable.”

 “Assuming it happened after her profession of faith how would you know for sure that she deserves to be disciplined?”

 “Read first Corinthians chapter five verse twelve.”

 “I don’t think you understand my question sir,” Kolapo said with an understanding smile. “The bible says there had to be witnesses before a matter become established. Two or more witnesses.”

The pastor sensed the trap at this point even though he had known right from the start that the man was up to no good. He looked around and saw about a dozen raised hands and curious faces and excited faces. There was no way to escape the question, and other related questions, he was sure.

 “Why would there be uproar about a sex video if there was none? Why would a sister be named if she was not the one?”

 “Your answer is not biblical. What if the person in the video just looked like the sister? There was this case of that Igbo pop singer who was said to be in a sex video and it turned out she was not the one. People do look alike. Isn’t that a possibility?”

The pastor shrugged. “It is a possibility.”

 “So who will watch the video to be sure she is really the one?”

Pastor Onyeachonam nodded to the usher to take the microphone from this Socratic member whose questions seem more like an invitation to trouble than a quest for helpful knowledge.

Kolapo sat down with a knowing smile, his mind far from the words of the pastor as he imagined a scene:

A sister who had been seen raising holy hands, seen speaking in tongues, seen clutching her bible as if it could be snatched if not properly held; a sister, all covered-up like virgin Mary; that sister would then be seen in her reckless expression, in her most animal state as her partner thrusts himself into her like a real porn star.

The investigators – the ones meant to be witnesses for the justification of discipline – would then feel the rush of blood between their legs as they watch this slice of reality in the conference room of the church; knowing they could be that guy if they had known earlier that the sister’s demure demeanour was all an act.  A few of them would watch the video again on their cell phones when alone; this time they would enjoy every minute, they would press replay and would marvel at this sister’s skilful movement. They would get a lotion or petroleum jelly and would call her name in their secret passion.

Pastor Onyeachonam would stand behind the pulpit a few days later during a well-attended church service to read some verses from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians with the firmness of a judge reading an indictment. The investigators would nod in agreement, just like the members of the congregation – most of them would have seen the video. A suspension is in order, they would agree, Paul said the immoral brother – a sister in this case – should be put away.

That is how to discipline a sister in a sex video.

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