The Great Flood

Gods are known to be jokers. Let me tell you of one such occasion. One
of the stories gods still tell at their heavenly parties. It seems 
there was this one, deeply religious, rat. He was a woodworker, making 
outside toilets for both rodents and humans -- a simple, hard working 
little rodent. One day he was busily chewing a hole in a board to make 
an outside toilet for some fat-butted human to sit on, when he heard a 
voice.

"Noah." It came out of the sky.

"Noah Rat." It repeated.

"What you want?"

"Noah."

"What you want?"

"Noah."

"What the hell you want?"

"Noah."

"What the hell you want, butthole. I'm busy here."

"Noah."

"Screw you."

"Noah, this is your Lord, the Supreme Rat."

"Sure. Sure it is. Get off it, Jack."

"No, really. It's me, your buddy, the Supreme Rat."

"So? Then prove it?"

"Remember that beautiful squirrel, three nights ago? You know, when you
couldn't get it u. . . .?"

"Hey! Sorry, Lord. That's good enough, it's you. What you want, Lord?"

"I want you to build an ark, and to gather two of every insect -- just
like in that other book."

"What about animals, Lord?"

"Another god's got that covered, Noah. Don't worry about it."

"How do I get two insects, Lord? By the time I get them on board,
there's gonna be zillions of the critters?"

"Easy, Noah. You only get the gay ones, the homos."

"Let me get this straight, SR. You want me to search the world for
homosexual insects?"

"Riiiiight."

"Then put them on a floating crapper? The only thing I know how to build
is shithouses."

"Riiiiiight."

"What for? Wouldn't we be better off without the darn things?"

"The world needs insects, Noah. Trust me, I know."

"How the hell I do that? I make things outa' wood. I don't know nothing
bout that collecting stuff?"

"Simple, Noah. I'll give you the needed skills. . . .  And all the
pizzas you can eat."

"Well . . . you're the boss, SR."

So Noah Rat spent years wandering the world, flying first class all the
way on the Supreme Rat's credit card. He put ads in the newspapers, 
made television commercials, interviewed insects, and slowly got his 
cargo together.

It wasn't easy, since they kept dying on him and had to be replaced. He
found he had to hire other rodents to help. A whole out of the closet 
industry was formed. Every pile of crap in the country was checked for 
gay bugs and limp winged flying insects. He had to lure the males in 
with pretty dresses and fancy little shoes. Noah even recruited butch 
houseflies to identify simpering little males for his cargo. He found 
he could hire pretty little butterflies to lure butch bugs.

Meanwhile, the industrious rat had to build one gigantic outhouse that
would float. All the other rats and rodents made fun of Noah and his 
efforts, complaining about the noise and the way their property values 
were going down. All but two rats -- those chosen by another, human, 
Noah for a different boat trip. Those two packed up and left during the 
night.

Finally, the sweating, scratching, rat finished his gigantic crapper,
and loaded it with squadrons of paired flying insects, dozens of 
digging denizens, and various pairs of happily fornicating lovers. When 
the rains came, Noah himself jumped on the now floating cruise crapper. 
His wife and kids waved to him as it floated away. They refused to get 
on though, and he was left alone with thousands of partying homosexual 
insects.

After forty days and forty nights of breaking up fights and shoveling
seasick insect puke from his craft, Noah was exhausted.

"Noah," came the now familiar voice.

"What the hell you want now? I did what you wanted. When we gonna get
the hell off this thing?"

"Noah, take it easy. Since the insects will have to start multiplying
again, I gotta make them straight."

"Jeeze. What now, Lord?"

"You can sit back and take it easy. The rain'll stop in a few days, and
things get back to normal."

"Thank God -- I mean you --, Lord."

Well, as gods can do pretty much what they want, the insects went from
homo to bi and, with a loud "Whoop", started doing their thing. Noah, 
cursed, scratched, cursed, bitched, scratched some more, stomped, 
whimpered, and of course scratched. The floating crapper filled with 
crawling, and teemed with flying, insects as they happily multiplied to 
again fill the Earth. That poor rat almost went crazy before the rain 
and flooding stopped.

Finally, the outhouse settled back to Earth and a grateful Noah Rat
jumped out and ran through the mud. The insects also ran out and 
dispersed across the land.

Noah stood on the muddy ground, looking around at the devastation. Then
he noticed a wisp of smoke in the distance. Plodding over a hill from 
his isolated valley, he saw that it came from a little house -- his old 
home? He ran all the way, to find his wife was waiting as he barged in.

"What the devil? What you doing here? I thought the entire Earth was to
be flooded?"

"Not here, Honey. Only that valley you were in. Why did you spend a
month and a half floating around with those bugs?"

The Supreme Rat looked down -- and laughed.