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Ben Hoffman

Next Time They Will Wow Them With The Shiny Stuff

The Indians see the ships coming and spread their blankets on the rocks to enjoy the sea breeze. So: they hide their iPods, haul their TVs up trees, bury their DVD collections deep in the dirt,...

1 min read · Rating: G · Read story

Small Spade

Little Joel runs whooping through the stones, over bodies, and scalps Indians and beheads terrorists at your graves. He thinks grandpa needs a hero to keep him safe, and I tell him that I killed...

4 min read · Rating: R · Read story

So Much To Burn

My neighbor is burning his mail again.

5 min read · Rating: R · Read story

Miles Til Empty

The boy's dad always waited until the last possible second to stop for gas. He would coast up and down the hills those last hundred yards, never touching gas or brake, always somehow making it. The...

2 min read · Rating: G · Read story

The Kissers

A man stands in line with other men waiting to kiss a woman in a strip mall. The men shuffle forward, never pausing, and peck the woman on the lips - mouth closed! The man with the cap is near the...

3 min read · Rating: R · Read story

The Hygienist

The Hygienist had taken photographs inside Callie's mouth and scanned her questionnaire. The Hygienist told Callie she could have a special nightguard made. The Hygienist removed a tool from...

5 min read · Rating: PG-13 · Read story

Gene Therapy for Nice Women in Love with Lunatics

The nice women meet once a week at a parlor, cry about their plight, laugh about their plight, and love their husbands. The women are flattered but annoyed when suitors show up at the parlor. They...

5 min read · Rating: PG · Read story

Other Dangers

We told the man at the front desk that our old teacher had been our teacher. We hated our third grade teacher for the clock, but on the first day of third grade she showed us photographs from...

16 min read · Rating: R · Read story

Other Dangers

We told the man at the front desk that our old teacher had been our teacher. Our old teacher was sitting in the middle of the room in a small chair, watching a small black and white television that...

16 min read · Rating: R · Read story

All the Girls We Knew in the Suburbs

Ian and I drove out to see some girls in the suburbs, but the girls' parents didn't care if we went to school with a few black kids and theirs did. Ian disappeared with one of the girls, leaving me...

10 min read · Rating: R · Read story

Substitutes

Did you notice our daughter is not our daughter anymore?

40 min read · Rating: PG-13 · Read story

Bed-making

My bed has been made, though not by me. I made the bed for many years to give our children the illusion that making the bed was an important thing to do, but all pretending has ended now. My wife...

4 min read · Rating: PG-13 · Read story